The Doctor's Log

Yahoo HotJobs gives would-be job interviewees tips on how to handle “ Would-Be Interview Questions.” They give three examples:

1. “If aliens landed here right now, what would you do?”
2. “What did you want to be when you were 8 years old?”
3. “What would your refrigerator say if it could talk?”

Clueless interviewers (most hiring managers and all HR drones) will ask these types of questions, as well as anything from the ‘Big Book of Interview Questions.’ They serve no purpose, except to give the incompetent interviewer the feeling that he is Doing Something. Here is Yahoo’s explanation of why one would ask such inane questions:

While a rare interviewer may ask these questions simply to (a) watch you squirm, many wild-card questions serve a purpose. Generally speaking, interviewers ask these questions (b) to see how well you perform under pressure and think on your feet. They also might ask wild cards (c) to break out of the routine of a typical interview in order to get a glimpse of your genuine personality.

Let’s tackle the rationale first.

a

The truly sadistic interviewer is actually a good thing. The fact that he (or she) is allowed to represent the company to potential hires demonstrates that either the pervasive culture is one of extreme dysfunctionality, or they’re just idiots.

In either case, your choice is clear: find somewhere else to interview. You do not want to work for this company, unless you enjoy being dumped on every day you are there, until you finally hang yourself in the bathroom stall.

b

At least the interviewer is well-meaning (we hope). Clueless, but well-meaning. The only thing this “test” does is determine how well you answer stupid questions under pressure. It has nothing to do with how well you can do the job. Then again, if the person interviewing actually knew how to determine if you could do the job, she wouldn’t be asking you dumb-ass questions, right?

Do you think your city Fire Department asks these stupid questions of its potential recruits? We know that Firemen are required to react well under pressure, as that is one of the most stressful jobs around: people’s lives depend on firefighters, and the firefighters themselves could die if they mess up (or even if they don’t).

Frankly, if a firefighter recruit could answer any of these questions, I‘d thank him for his time and move on to the next person. No, I’m kidding. I would apply whatever REAL criteria fire departments use to gauge suitability. It probably involves something like being able to actually do the job in a training environment. But, you know, that takes work on the part of the interviewer and is hard on everyone.

c

Yes, if you (as the interviewer) find that all your interviewees are answering your questions with ease, and it is too hard to determine who is best for the job, take heart in the fact that your interviewees at least studied for your test by buying (or downloading) one of the ‘Big Books of Interview Answers’.

If the only reason you’re “shaking things up” is because you’re—what’s the word? Oh yes—bored, then you’re an idiot interviewer.

Okay, on to the dumb-ass questions:

1: If aliens landed here right now, blah, blah, blah?

Answer: Unless you’re applying for a job with NASA, the Military (or a military contractor working with stolen alien technology), or Area-51, this is probably outside of any job description you’d ever have.

Correct answer: “Grab my gun and family and head for the hills.”

2: What did you want to be when you were 8 years old?

Obviously, this question only applies if you are 8 years old. Then it would be "What do you want to be today?" and that would be EVEN MORE STUPIDER (that’s a word, go look it up). On the other hand, if you are a shape shifter, it would probably make sense.

Correct answer: Laugh hysterically and say, “If you want to hire an 8-year-old, my kid is available once she gets her homework done after school and for a few hours on the weekend.”

3: What would your refrigerator say if it could talk?

The interviewer is basically telling you that that he has a stupid old non-technological refrigerator, probably one that must be manually defrosted every three months. In this case, you are obliged to rub it in his face.

Correct answer: Lean back in your chair, stick your hand in your pants, Ed Bundy-style, and say, “Wellsir, our refrigerator actually does talk, so I can tell you what it says. When it runs low on milk, it says, ‘Time to buy more milk!’ and when it gets low on cheese, it says, ‘The cooking unit informed me that tomorrow we are having Lasagna, but we don’t have enough mozzarella cheese. Please get some today!’”

Yahoo HotJobs gives would-be job interviewees tips on how to handle “Would-Be Interview Questions.” They give three examples:

1. “If aliens landed here right now, what would you do?”
2. “What did you want to be when you were 8 years old?”
3. “What would your refrigerator say if it could talk?”

Clueless interviewers (most hiring managers and all HR drones) will ask these types of questions, as well as anything from the ‘Big Book of Interview Questions.’ They serve no purpose, except to give the incompetent interviewer the feeling that he is Doing Something. Here is Yahoo’s explanation of why one would ask such inane questions:

While a rare interviewer may ask these questions simply to (a) watch you squirm, many wild-card questions serve a purpose. Generally speaking, interviewers ask these questions (b) to see how well you perform under pressure and think on your feet. They also might ask wild cards (c) to break out of the routine of a typical interview in order to get a glimpse of your genuine personality.

Let’s tackle the rationale first.

a

The truly sadistic interviewer is actually a good thing. The fact that he (or she) is allowed to represent the company to potential hires demonstrates that either the pervasive culture is one of extreme dysfunctionality, or they’re just idiots.

In either case, your choice is clear: find somewhere else to interview. You do not want to work for this company, unless you enjoy being dumped on every day you are there, until you finally hang yourself in the bathroom stall.

b

At least the interviewer is well-meaning (we hope). Clueless, but well-meaning. The only thing this “test” does is determine how well you answer stupid questions under pressure. It has nothing to do with how well you can do the job. Then again, if the person interviewing actually knew how to determine if you could do the job, she wouldn’t be asking you dumb-ass questions, right?

Do you think your city Fire Department asks these stupid questions of its potential recruits? We know that Firemen are required to react well under pressure, as that is one of the most stressful jobs around: people’s lives depend on firefighters, and the firefighters themselves could die if they mess up (or even if they don’t).

Frankly, if a firefighter recruit could answer any of these questions, I‘d thank him for his time and move on to the next person. No, I’m kidding. I would apply whatever REAL criteria fire departments use to gauge suitability. It probably involves something like being able to actually do the job in a training environment. But, you know, that takes work on the part of the interviewer and is hard on everyone.

c

Yes, if you (as the interviewer) find that all your interviewees are answering your questions with ease, and it is too hard to determine who is best for the job, take heart in the fact that your interviewees at least studied for your test by buying (or downloading) one of the ‘Big Books of Interview Answers’.

If the only reason you’re “shaking things up” is because you’re—what’s the word? Oh yes—bored, then you’re an idiot interviewer.

Okay, on to the dumb-ass questions:

1: If aliens landed here right now, blah, blah, blah?

Answer: Unless you’re applying for a job with NASA, the Military (or a military contractor working with stolen alien technology), or Area-51, this is probably outside of any job description you’d ever have.

Correct answer: “Grab my gun and family and head for the hills.”

2: What did you want to be when you were 8 years old?

Obviously, this question only applies if you are 8 years old. Then it would be "What do you want to be today?" and that would be EVEN MORE STUPIDER (that’s a word, go look it up). On the other hand, if you are a shape shifter, it would probably make sense.

Correct answer: Laugh hysterically and say, “If you want to hire an 8-year-old, my kid is available once she gets her homework done after school and for a few hours on the weekend.”

3: What would your refrigerator say if it could talk?

The interviewer is basically telling you that that he has a stupid old non-technological refrigerator, probably one that must be manually defrosted every three months. In this case, you are obliged to rub it in his face.

Correct answer: Lean back in your chair, stick your hand in your pants, Ed Bundy-style, and say, “Wellsir, our refrigerator actually does talk, so I can tell you what it says. When it runs low on milk, it says, ‘Time to buy more milk!’ and when it gets low on cheese, it says, ‘The cooking unit informed me that tomorrow we are having Lasagna, but we don’t have enough mozzarella cheese. Please get some today!’”

What happens when you give a government bunch of WANNA-BEs the task of "protecting the nation from terrorists" when the threat is actually very low or even non-existent?

Ordinary, innocent citizens are swept up in the net.

On March 29, 2009, Steven Bierfeldt was detained for at the airport for carrying about $4,700 dollars in a metal box. There is no legal requirement for reporting the transportation of such a small amount. When questioned, he asked the “officers” if he was legally required to answer their questions (“Where do you work?,” “What are you doing in St. Louis?” “Why are you here?” “What is the money for?”), they refused to answer—like the donut-eating fat pigs you know they are—because he was probably right: they weren't allowed to ask those questions.

Too bad for the TSA, but Bierfeidt recorded the interrogation on his cell phone. Now the ACLU is bringing suit. I hope—at least&#mdash;the TSAs involved lose their jobs, or at best, get to serve some time in pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

The most probable reaction will be for the TSA to ensure that all cell phones are off during their interrogations. Too bad they won't be able to keep up with the march of technology.

Trying to deposit a check the other day, I walk into the nearest Chase branch. Using the ATM, I notice that there’s no option for depositing anything.

Deposit checks without an envelope or slip! shouts a display next to the ATM. Ha, ha.

Ok, fine, I’ll talk to a human teller. I walk up, hand her my ATM card and the check, then tell her that the machine doesn’t seem to have an option to deposit my check.

Tap, tap, tap she types on her terminal.

Her brow wrinkles.

Tap, tap, tap “I’m not showing you in here,” she confesses, then lower, “Can I have your social?”

Oh no you don’t. I shrug and put the I’m-confused look on my face. “I don’t even know it,” I say.

“Hmm, okay.” Tap, tap, tap “Oh, wait. Are you a WaMu customer?”

Oh man. “Yeah,” I reply, sheepishly.

“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to deposit your check at a WaMu branch.”

WTF?! You mean to tell me that the banks’ systems STILL aren’t integrated? They managed to reissue my WaMu ATM card as a Chase ATM card. Oh, but it must be Chase In Name Only.

In other words, if you were Chase before the “buyout” you’re okay, if you were WaMu, you’re f@#$&*. How much longer?

Seems that the idiots over the pond added have a law (Section 44 Terrorism Act 2000 authorisations) that any photographer can be searched if they photograph a “sensitive” area.

Which areas are those?

You're not allowed to know. Wow, that makes sense. Morans.

The British Journal of Photography filed a FOIA request to get the list but were rejected because—of course—the list is vital to national security.

If the terrorists can know where they can't take pictures, then they've won.

Okay, here's one way to beat the government at their own game:

1. Organize a distributed flashmob & website to record locations.
2. The ’mob takes pictures of various government, historical, and (large?) buildings and complexes.
3. Any places where the cops search the photogs under §44 are noted and submitted to a central site.
4. Followups are performed a few weeks later by someone else to weed out false (or malicious) positives.
5. Google mashup!

Updated: This isn't a new law.

Alex Koppelman writes in the ‘War Room’ about the dying tobacco lobby.

A Dr. buddy of yours truly (an actual oncologist) who happened to be a staunch Republican explained the seeming dichotomy of government interference in private citizens’ lives thusly:

It is a public-health issue.

While I wholeheartedly agree, I worry that under a future, pro-tobacco administration, such limits and regulations we will (hopefully) soon enjoy would be removed. Witness how mercury levels in our nation’s rivers and streams were allowed to rise, thanks to the 8 years of industry-friendly Republican policies at the EPA.

So today is the first day of all digital TV. Weeeeee!!!

I just have one question for you: when the next natural disaster strikes, how are you going to use your battery-powered analog portable TV to get your news?

You can't! So, be prepared to fork out about $150 bones for a craptaculus digital one. Don't forget to get a good antenna, because—as you must know—digital is either all-on or all-off. No more seeing snow or hearing hiss thanks to a weak signal.

I'm not saying it is a bad thing, but something many people will not understand until it is too late.

As part of GM's fall from grace, the Hummer is to be sold to Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co. of China.

This is great news for those who are less *cough* well-endowed. They can continue to purchase parts for their gaspigs (8 mpg r0xx0r5!) and keep their junk going.

I heard on the radio yesterday (godless tree-hugger radio, natch) an interview with one of the Detroit car club presidents who said something to the effect that GM will be forced to produce electrics, hybrids, and other fuel-efficient vehicles ‘instead of what people want’—i.e., Gaspigs.

Welcome to the new millennium. Now go grow some corn or whatever.

The internets are abuzz with the story of one Debbie McLucas, who was told to take down the 3’x5’ American Flag she’d hung in her shared office.

Her family has a history of military service, so faced with the fact that she can’t hang a certain cloth at work, she did a little soul-searching over our brave young solders’ bringing freedom and democracy to the godless heathens in Iraq.

I just wonder if all those young men and women over there are really doing this for nothing.

I mean, if your boss says you can’t hang a cloth at work, then Osama bin Laden has WON.

I find it very frightening because if I can't display my flag, what other freedoms will I lose before all is said and done?

Exactly. First your work bans the right to carry weapons in its office, then they ban your right to hang jingoistic cloths, next thing you know, you might lose the right to travel in and out of the office whenever you please (and still get paid).

And people wonder why the US is the laughing stock of the world.